Monday, June 1, 2009

i hope it's just another [temporary] bad habit

am i really not getting better or is not feeling well just another bad habit i have developed?

Friday, April 3, 2009

my drinking the poison will not kill him, it will kill me.
(hating him only hurts me.)

i shall not drink the poison.
(i will not allow myself to be consumed by hate.)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

two sides of the same coin

i am thinking of a person.

a particular person.

a man, of course. it's so overdone, i know.

i know that i have an aversion to him. a settled dislike. definite feelings of repugnance toward him.

i think i might hate him.

i have thought about this statement as much as i ever thought about saying i love him.

hate is a strong word. a hard word. it packs a real punch and takes commitment.

am i ready to commit myself to hating someone? even him?

Friday, February 20, 2009

her people

this is a blog almost no one who knows me knows i have. this seems like a good place to put this because it has to go somewhere.

last night, my good friend's son killed himself.

through a strange course of events, a plan actually, one that God has had in the works since at least october, i ended up at the local coffee shop last night much later than i ever have. i know just about everyone who goes there on a regular basis, but more importantly, i know one of the owners, who knows everyone who goes there. and everyone who doesn't. the owner also employs a relative of my friend, which is how he knew.

the owner asked me something about my friend. what? i remember looking at him in a strange way. i remember thinking that my face felt strange in the look it suddenly had. he told me, without prompting, that my friend's son had killed himself. period. a fact. nothing more, nothing less. he hung himself. is that to go? what?

it was sometime after 6:37 when i heard this news.

i called her cell. she answered. i asked her if she needed me. she said no, she had "people" with her. i said ok, told her that i love her, and hung up the phone.

i went about my business for another few minutes. i couldn't concentrate. i called another friend, who is a mutual friend of ours. surely she was with my friend. she didn't answer. i left a message. i figured she was the "people" who were there with my friend. i wanted to give them space.

but five minutes later, my friend called back. she didn't know the news. she hadn't heard anything.

immediate panic.

if she wasn't there, who was there with our friend?! at her house where her son was still hanging in the doorway to her bedroom? who was there? if we weren't, who fucking was?

the next thing i knew, i was back across the river. we had to get there. we had to get to her house. we had to hold her. i think this is where the term "support" comes from. we had to support our friend. we had to hold her up or she might stop being.

her child.

her baby.

her homecoming king.

her football star.

her beautiful boy.

the young man she has known intimately since he took his first breath 18 years ago.

we walked into the house. the police didn't want us to go in, but there was our friend. alone. standing alone. sure, her neighbors were there. they are great people. but they are not her "people".

she did need me. i should have known immediately. she wouldn't have answered her phone if she didn't. she did need our friend. we are her people.

i am one of her people. i didn't know it until last night sometime after 6:37, but i am one of her people.

i am one of her people who listened to her heart breaking yesterday.

my friend is one of her people who is caring for the little brothers left behind.

we are her people who won't leave her alone.

we are her people who are temporarily taking over her life.

we are her people who don't allow the gossip girls access to her.

we are her people who find phone numbers, make appointments, and leave messages.

we are her people who make her a dinner she will eat.

we are her people who rub her head until she finally falls asleep.

we are her people who have built a fortress of love, compassion, and caring around her.

God has blessed me by giving me this friend to love.

i am thankful.

i am happy to be one of her people.

i believe i have made a difference in her life.

and i know she has made a difference in mine.

my sad friend.

we are her people checking on her husband in the middle of the night. God help this family. Please.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

three: analyzing

there's analyzing, then there is over-analyzing. since analyzing is good, i do the opposite. i over-analyze. and there you have it: bad habit number three. take something good, do it too much and presto, bad habit.

over-analysis in action:

how did four people i really care about, but never told about this blog, find it so fast? i'm just waiting for my mom to show up. it might remain a mystery, except that i am related to tina. surely, dear readers, you are familiar with the six degrees of separation theory. well, since i am actually a blood relative of tina, the normal six degrees is decreased by exactly three and a half. soon, i should be the most followed blog simply because everyone on the planet knows tina.

which brings me to: how exactly does everyone know tina? tina could find someone she knows in a remote village in djibouti. i hardly know where djibouti is. tina would know at least one person there.

a short list of things i like to analyze (read: over-analyze)
  1. myself
  2. my family
  3. what other people think of me
  4. what i think of other people
  5. how regina spektor ended up on the 27 fucking dresses soundtrack
  6. why i left my christmas tree up until january 27, but never watered it after first bringing it into the house
  7. why i chose to buy a tree someone killed so that i could bring it into my house and make a gigantic fucking mess
  8. why i like drinking
  9. why i like drinking even when it doesn't like me
  10. what i am going to do about my kitchen floor (does not involve drinking)
the last two are just recent, and hopefully fleeting, topics i am currently interested in over-analyzing:
  1. the theory of six degrees of separation (which is questionable - and truth be told, i have already engaged in a thorough over-analysis of this topic sparked by an article in discover magazine several months ago)
  2. stanley milgram (although the validity of his study re six degrees of separation is questionable, his work on authority is very intriguing).
the list goes on. i could easily write on each of the aforementioned topics until you were blue in the eyes from reading, but i'll just stop.

and go to bed.

xo to all you silly sister followers. (carebear, you are officially recognized in that very special class of women)

Monday, January 19, 2009

one and two

bad habit #1: PRoCRaSTiNaTioN
evidenced by the lack of entries since January 11

bad habit #2: CoMMuNiCaTioN
or lack of it

Can blogging be a bad habit? Maybe not, but not blogging, when one has seemingly set her mind to it, might be. and then not telling your sisters? well, that's just the icing on the bad habit cake. and i really like cake.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

bad habits

i have lots of bad habits. you name it, i can make it a bad habit. i can even turn a perfectly good habit into a bad habit.